The holiday season is upon us, and what better way to get into the spirit than with some Christmas jokes? From hilarious one-liners to funny stories, these jokes are sure to bring laughter and cheer to your holiday gatherings.
Let’s start with a joke that’s sure to make you laugh. Three men find themselves at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve, and Saint Peter challenges them to show something that represents Christmas. The first man pulls out a match and lights it, saying it’s a Christmas candle. The second man jangles some keys, calling them Christmas bells. But the third man pulls out a pair of red panties and says, “They’re Carol’s.”
Next up is a joke about a hungover husband who wakes up to a Christmas surprise he didn’t expect. After a night of partying, Paul wakes up to find a glass of water, two aspirin, and a single red rose on his nightstand. But things take a turn when he sees a note from his wife saying she’s left him – or has she?
If you’re looking for a joke with a military twist, you’ll love this one. Two soldiers are chatting about past Christmas memories when one of them mentions spending an entire week peeling potatoes. When asked what time he started, the soldier replies, “Before the store opened.”
Sometimes, even the holiest of tasks can come with a hilarious twist. A monk named David spent years copying ancient texts by hand, only to discover a little mistake that could change everything. It turns out the word “celibate” was actually “celebrate”!
Family drama isn’t always what it seems, as this next joke proves. A father calls his son to tell him that he and his mother are getting divorced, but things take a surprising turn when the son and his sister start making plans to visit – and the father realizes he’s getting a free Christmas vacation!
If you’re an early bird who loves to get a head start on Christmas shopping, you’ll appreciate this joke. A man stands trial for doing his Christmas shopping early, but things don’t quite add up – especially when the judge asks him what time he started shopping.
Even the most seasoned travelers can get a laugh out of this next joke. A man is waiting at the airport when he notices some mistletoe hanging above the luggage scale. When he tells the airline attendant that he wouldn’t kiss her under such tacky mistletoe, she replies, “Sir, that mistletoe isn’t for you to kiss me – it’s so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
Kids say the darndest things, and this next joke proves it. A little boy starts writing his Christmas letter to Santa, but his mom interrupts him and tells him to write to Jesus instead. The boy thinks for a moment, then starts his new letter: “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”
Teenagers can be quick-witted, as this next joke shows. A boy asks his clergyman father if he can get a car for Christmas, but his father is disappointed that the boy hasn’t cut his hair. The boy replies, “Dad, in the Bible, I noticed that Jesus, Moses, and Samson all had long hair.” His father nods, “Yes, but did you also notice they walked everywhere?”
Finally, let’s end with a joke about a husband who’s in for a surprise while Christmas shopping. A couple is shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve when the husband realizes he’s lost his wife. Frantic, he calls her and asks where she is. She replies calmly, “Do you remember the jewelry store where you saw that expensive watch you loved five years ago? The one I said I’d get you one day?” The husband’s eyes well up, but things take a surprising turn when she says, “Well, I’m in the lingerie store next to it.”
